This song always makes me cry. It came on Pandora a minute ago and I put down my pen and notebook and just started bawling. Suddenly, it became glaringly obvious why I’m striving. I don’t feel good enough. I just . . . don’t.
I needed this song today. I needed to be reminded that God is with me. And have hope that maybe I can learn my true worth.
I am a salty mix of right brain and left brain genius. But there are some areas in which my left brain has completely checked out. I never thought I’d be one of those people. The ones afraid to answer the phone for fear a debt collector will be on the other side.
As a 25-year-old single mom, I had zero debt. I was broke as a church mouse, but at least I wasn’t in the hole. When I was 26, I enrolled in a local community college. I got my associates and then went on to the University of Maryland to earn my bachelor’s in sociology. I didn’t want to completely deprive my daughter of a mom, by doing full-time school and work, so I lived off loan money. I have a high tolerance for risk. It didn’t bother me to be accumulating so much debt. The time when I would have to pay it off was always somewhere in the distance future.
Unfortunately, the future is now.
Let me be clear, I don’t regret college even a little. Sure, I could have learned the same things by myself, in my home, for free. But I wouldn’t have had the community. And, I wouldn’t have known where to start. Some of my favorite classes, like sociology of gender, were complete accidents. I had no idea at the start of my academic journey that I’d end up focusing on sociology. I didn’t even know what sociology was (it’s the study of social structures and social problems, by the way). I originally planned to double major in theatre and journalism. As much as I love those subjects, I know now that it was sociology that played catalyst for so much of brandyglows.
I don’t even regret the debt. Which, between Jermaine and I, tops out at over $200,000. It’s a mortgage, basically. And I love the house of knowledge we’ve built with it. Plus, we’re wanderlusts by nature with no desire for an actual mortgage. At least not for a long time.
All I really want is a plan of attack. I’ve been stuck in the overwhelm for far too long. Not taking action because I didn’t know where to start. I have laid a small foundation for repayment. I’ve wrangled all seven of my debtors and debt totals into a handy-dandy notebook. I’ve done the same with Jermaine’s. I’ve contacted most of them and asked for a forbearance or, at the very least, the lowest payment plan they would swing. I’ve looked into IBR and other similarly swell programs.
But that’s as far as I’ve trekked. And the overwhelm lingers. Because we don’t have grand payback plan. And until we get one, we can’t make out the light.
I have an idea, though. A mingling of the minds. Specifically, yours and mine. Our right brains and left brains aligned. Jennifer Lee wrote this fantastic book called The Right Brain Business Plan. She’s the inspiration for my latest and greatest creative project. I’m convinced we can make create a plan to pay off our student loan debt that’s creative and fun. Marrying both sides of our brains to develop a Right Brain Pay-Back Plan (<– that’s my RBPBP Pinterest Board!).
If you’re reading this and getting jump-up-and-down excited, then I’d love your help in making this dream a reality! Because it’s not just about me. Student loan debt has surpassed one trillion dollars, so it’s safe to say I’m not the only one in this position.This could be the beginning of something grand. We could help right brainers and left brainers alike conquer their debt (student loan or otherwise) and find a community of people in the same black hole.
What happens next? I’ll curate the resource list and post it on the blog. I’m going to create my own RBPBP and share it here as well. And then, based on the response, we’ll go from there. I have dreams of a secret Facebook group, a how-to ebook, or even in-person workshops. We’ll start small, and see what develops.
I am stoked! I hope you are, too. Please consider joining me. Let’s kiss our student loan debt buh-bye – and throw a raving going away party!
In a Shalom Session last week, my client mentioned the importance of community. In our grandparents’ time, the church filled that role, but now we’re grasping for it. I think part of the reason Memorial Day is marked by time off, BBQs, and pool parties is not to diminish the sacrifices of the ones we’ve lost, but because it’s imperative that we come together and celebrate the community we still have.
This clip features Vice President Biden sharing a personal story of raw, off-script emotion at a gathering for family members who have lost loved ones in the line of duty. Politics aside, it fits well today.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Regardless of whether you live in the US or not, may this be a day to toast sacrifice, honor, the joy our lost loves gave to us, and the joy our family and friends fill us with now.
Love and shalom.
This morning, Made By Survivors posted this Huff Post article by Soraya Chemaly: A Message to Girls About Religious Men Who Fear You. Here are some of my favorite quotes:
“Whether you choose to expose your body or to cover it up, consider the degree to which either choice is defined by a reduction of your character to narrow sexuality by a culture that refuses to hold men accountable for their actions and requires you to either radically display ourself for men’s pleasure or withdraw from the world and be held in reserve.”
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“They will investigate you for being strong, violate you, stone you to death, charge you with witchcraft, punish you in every conceivable way to set an example for … your children.
So, know that you are strong and powerful. Use your reason. Trust your instincts. Seek out those that would support you and, yes, know your place: on the field, in the street, on the bus (in the front), in school, at work and in public office.
You are not alone and you are brighter than the sun.”
I love what this article stands for. But I’m not sure “religious men” are exclusively (or even mainly) to blame. I think the problem is systemic, and deeply embedded into our laws, our hearts, our institutions (which includes religion).
I read it out loud to Jermaine this morning because I wanted to post it but was a bit put off by the title. I asked him whether he thought religion, and the influential men that hold to its doctrine, were really the root problem.
“I don’t think it was necessary [to call out religious men],” he said, “You can use anything to make a weapon.”
My husband, the accidental profound.
It got me thinking, especially with Chemaly’s moving call to action at the end of the article and her list of 10 inspiring religious women, the opposite is also true.
You can use anything to make shalom.
A blog. A book. A pay-what-you-can sale for your birthday (a la Danielle LaPorte). A meal. Guns. Videos. Cancer. Your skills as an entrepreneur. Flunking out of college. Being unemployed. Divorce. The death of your brother. Money. Having no money. Music. Video games. Facebook. Ramen noodle soup. An eating disorder. Turtles! The possibilities are limitless.
Because at its core, shalom is transformation, taking something broken and destructive and molding it into something beautiful.
This is incredible news for you if you feel like you’re perpetually effing up! Hear it, and let it free you. When God says “come as you are,” God means it. God is much MUCH more accepting of our perceived flaws than we are.
So, go ahead. Be a wreck. Call in sick. Or don’t call at all. Know that you can do anything, but you don’t have to. Man or woman, you are loved, deeply and inexplicably. Now, go forth, and wherever you are, give yourself permission to have a kick-ass Friday.
Every morning, I wake up at 5:15 and pump. I don’t mean iron. Although, that would suck, too. I pull myself into a sitting position, grab my tattered copy of Phyllis Tickle’s The Great Emergence (because what else would you read at 5am?), my breast pump off my nightstand, and try to woo my boobs to make extra milk for my son.
He started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago. Although I’m beyond grateful that I now get 5-7 solid hours of sleep on the regular, my milk supply has plummeted. I can only imagine they assume they ought to get a break, too. They have been working overtime.
My boobs humble me. I pump and I pump and I pump. I drink stout beer and eat oatmeal to enhance my supply. Yesterday, I even made lactation cookies (they turned out pretty yummy, actually). I think my boobs are tired. Nursing a teething babe will do that.
Last Fall, When I Grow Up Coach Michelle Ward found out she had breast cancer. How did she tell her people? She wrote a ditty on her ukulele and released an “I Got Boob Cancer” song. Yesterday she went in for Fresh Boobs surgery. From start to finish she has kept her wicked sense of humor and authenticity intact. I am so inspired by Michelle. Of course, I couldn’t talk about my boobs without mentioning hers.
People think breastfeeding is weird. Or, at best, something to be covered up. But truly, it’s such a gift. I’m tearing up as I write this. Shortly after I had Brooklyn, I did a BodyTalk therapy session with Brooke Butler. In it, she said that my son would teach me to love in a profound way. Eight and a half months into it, I know she’s right, and it has to do with breastfeeding.
When I was an infant, my foster mom didn’t hold me. She fed me and changed me and then basically kept me in my crib because she was afraid of getting attached. I’m not an overly affectionate person. I love people but touch makes me uncomfortable. I have a strong sense of my own personal bubble.
To have someone break through that bubble eight to twelve times a day is painful, but incredibly good for me.
I have a dear friend who can’t make breastmilk. She’s tried and tried but because of a medical condition, it’s not happening. Most people would give up. Not her. Not only does she supplement with donor milk, but she nurses her six month old everyday, on demand, so that her son might still have those gifts, not only the nutrients in breastmilk, but also the earth-shattering bond that comes from being that close to another human being.
If you think formula is fine or you’re grossed out by the thought of nursing, I’ll never try to talk you out of it. That’s completely your decision, and you have to do what’s best for your family. This is not a post against formula or any other parenting choices. Today is simply about honoring the breast. They do so much for us – from nourish our infants to get us modeling jobs to help us find our spouse. Occasionally they try to kill us and they have to be replaced.
Today, my wish for you: may the boobs in your life be blessed.
That’s what I did today. And it earned me a ticket to go to the Rob Bell conference in three weeks! Stoked doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now.
brandyglows:unpolished edition #3 debuts tonight. Excited? It’s going to be amazeballs.
Last week I spoke at Children, Youth, and a New Kind of Christianity. Check out this highlight reel if you’d like a peek at what it was all about. My friend recorded my presentation on her iPhone. I’ll post it soon!
Jermaine designed some fancy schmancy business cards for me last week! That’s cool enough to be it’s own paragraph, right?
I had the pleasure of meeting the one and only Chris Guillebeau last week at his Alexandria, VA $100 Startup Meet-Up. That guy, he’s a charmer. I don’t want to brag, but he gave us free cupcakes. If you want to meet him, too, check out his 100 Startup website to see when he’s coming to a town near you.
My first sale was a hit! And an amazing learning experience. My schedule is chock full of Shalom this week, and it feels so good! There are still a couple spots left in May. If you’ve been struggling to figure out how to mesh your gifts with your passions, I might have just the balm for you.
Between the big move, the conference, and the kindasorta launch of Shalom Sessions (the big L comes a little bit later), I need a break. I’m not sure what that’s going to look like exactly. But I missed a deadline yesterday, and that’s not really something I do. So it was a huge signal that I need to slow the train for a moment and take stock (and maybe update my calendar). I’ll still be around, I’m not going anywhere (except to Laguna Beach in June and the World Domination Summit in July!). But this little calm before the summer thunderstorm might be a good time to catch up on some sleep.
One year ago, I was bloated and pregnant, living in a hotel. Resolving that as soon as we could get into our new apartment, I was going to get serious about my my blog. I did. May 30th will be the one year anniversary of brandyglows.com! It’s been a heck of a year. I created three free beautiful books. I gave birth to Brooklyn Corey. I spoke at Children, Youth, And A New Kind Of Christianity (video coming soon)! And, most recently, I softly launched Shalom Sessions.
I am a mad scientist. Experimenting, exploring, refining, probing so I can best work out the benefits of a Shalom Session for you. What is it? Who is it for? What do I do and how will it add value to your life? With the wit and wisdom of my smartypants mentor and amazeballs coach, Michelle Ward, I’ve finally nailed it.
What is it? Brainstorming in its finest form.
Who is it for? Interesting people struggling to figure out what they love or what they’re good at, or both.
What do I do and how will it add value to your life? I help you figure out what your passions and your gifts are and how to combine what you love with what comes easy to you. I’ll show you where they intersect. And I’ll create a Compass with your personal mission statement to give you clarity about the next right step for you.
And, to celebrate my almost one year blog-iversary, this weekend, I’m offering Shalom Sessions at a pay-what-you-can price!
How does it work? Under options on the Shalom Sessions page, click on the session(s) you want. Then, click “add to cart” and you will be taken to the Shopping Cart. You can edit the dollar amount and then click Check Out With PayPal. After that, just follow the PayPal instructions and click the final Submit! You’ll receive an email right after your purchase with the PayPal details. And then, within 24 hours, you’ll get another email from me to set up our session!
Click here to sign up for your very own Shalom Session.
If you’re in short supply of Shalom, I hope this sale will help you dive into more peaceful waters. May you have a beautiful weekend either way.
Love and Shalom,
Brandy
PS. I have 10 spots left in May! This sale will run until Sunday at midnight or until those spots are filled. If you’ve been thinking about taking the shalom-y plunge, this is the weekend to go for it!
PPS. The next edition of brandyglows:unpolished comes out on Monday. Enter your email below if you don’t want to miss it.
Sifting through my memory trunk, I came across this poem. It hung in my room when I was growing up. It brought me to tears and I wanted to share it with you.
I have always known I was adopted. When I was little, my parents would ask, “Brandy, what are you?” I would answer, “I’m adopted and I’m special!”
In part because I’ve always known, I’ve always wanted to look for my birth mom. I used to call her Maria (which is now Sadie’s middle name) and write to her in my journal. I didn’t know this growing up, but shortly after the adoption was finalized, some paperwork got sent to my parents with my biological mom’s name on it. They didn’t keep the papers, but they remembered the name. And since they knew I wanted to look for her, they used that name to track her down for my 18th birthday.
She is amazing. When I graduated college two years ago, I got to celebrate with both my parents and Cathy, my birth mom. Words can’t accurately describe how ridiculously blessed I am. But this poem comes close.
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one,
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life,
And the second taught you to live it.
And the first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality.
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seeds of talent,
The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up,
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years.
Heredity or environment, Which are you a product of?
Neither, my Darling, Neither,
Just two different kinds of love.
I’ve been having a lot of doubts lately. Tomorrow, I’m speaking at conference called Children, Youth, and a New Kind of Christianity. I’m presenting alongside some of my biggest inspirations: Tony Campolo, Brian McLaren, and Jim Wallis. I’m teaching kids’ ministry professionals how to teach their students creative nonviolent conflict resolution. I am beyond nervous to get up on that stage, but I am in love with it, too. What a beautiful opportunity I have!
These past couple of weeks, in between moving across town, launching Shalom Sessions, and preparing for tomorrow, I have felt the need to get really clear about where I want my vision to go.
Sometimes it feels like nothing is happening. 95% of my energies are focused on cooking up this business from scratch. The process is laborious but I know I am on the cusp something delectable. I want to be clear that I’m headed in the right direction.
Am I a businessperson? I’ve always thought social worker. How did I get here? Was it a latent passion or did I wander off the path yet again?
Most of you know that my husband is a soldier and we are counting the years until his contract is up. Our big vision is that I can use this time to build a tasty business and make enough to support us when he gets out. We want to open up a strange little shop, a cafe with rainbow cheesecake, lovely little sandwiches, and t-shirts on the menu. The store will boast free wi-fi and a large assortment of real and electronic books – all free for your reading pleasure. And we want to use part of the profits from the cafe to build a safehouse for people trying to rebuild their lives after surviving atrocities like human trafficking and addiction. All the while, I want to continue to write, speak, and help people find and follow their dreams.
It’s a big vision that combines our unique passions beautifully. I believe in it. This is the kind of great, gorgeous dream that we’ll build with brick and mortar.
Sometimes I think, why wait? Let’s get it started! If it’s so possible, why can’t we do it NOW?
Last week, I held my first Shalom Session. I was so nervous! And the next day, I freaked out. What am I doing? Who am I to show this writer how to follow her dream? Who am I to stand up in front of a group of childrens’ ministry professionals and teach them how to teach their kids? Perhaps I’ve gotten too big for my britches.
I spent the day crying and praying and questioning and nursing my son as well as my self-inflicted wounds. I lamented to my husband. He shook his head, “You always do this.” I dive in to huge adventures and once I actually do grab my goal, I freeze. What in the hell was I thinking?
But it always seems to work. My initial premonition that I can make a difference is usually spot on.
These latest schemes aren’t exceptions. I can help people actualize their dreams. I did it long before I started charging. It’s one of my spiritual gifts. And I do have something to say that will help children, youth, and their teachers in this new kind of Christianity.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read about my dreams. I hope it’s inspired you to consider yours. I know it may feel scary to pay someone to explore the inner workings of your Big, Blue Sky Mission. But, it’s an amazing investment in yourself and your purpose. Regardless of whether you end up buying one of my sessions, please, don’t give up on your dream. You are here for a reason. Your dream is an essential part of that. Find a way to make it happen.
Dear Brandy,
The thing I love about you is that you’re not afraid to sing (loudly (and off-key)) Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows. Keep singing your song. Keep your softness, your innocence for as long as you can. I know you see it as a weakness, a failure on your part to know about life. But you’ll learn about life soon enough.
I know I can’t talk you out of the mistakes you’re about to make. Anyway, I might not, even if I could. You learn so much in the process of straying from yourself. You’re a better person for it. Your kindness is genuine now. I’m sorry. Your mom is right. I know you don’t realize how selfish you are. Try. Because the world needs your gifts and you can’t give them when all of your energies are focused on getting what you want.
And that boy you want. Oh honey, let him go! Let him lie about boot camp and those other girls. Your friends are right. They are 100% spot on. You’re going to look back and cringe that you ever had feelings for him. Seriously! He grows up to be gross. Sure, he’s a charmer. But he makes you feel stupid. You deserve so much better.
You’re about to have a daughter! Sooner than you think. Sooner, maybe, than you should. But, she will save you. And you will save her.
Be nicer to your parents. Stop lying to them. I know, parents just don’t understand, right? But they turn out to be pretty reasonable. I mean, they’re still crazy Bradfordians. But they are the best grandparents in the world. They support your dreams – even when they don’t get them. And they will always be there for you. No. Matter. What.
I don’t mean to scare you with all this. And, it gets much much better. Someday, you’ll meet a sweet, smart, sarcastic boy that will knock your socks off. He’ll think your feet are hot. Go with it.
Writing and performing will always be your favorite things. Don’t worry that you’ll never be able to keep a “real job”. Someday, you’ll work for yourself – doing what you love!
The friend that said you guys probably won’t keep in touch after you move is right. But, the one that said she would write all the time, and that you sure as hell better right her back, actually does! Twelve years later, Andrea is still your best friend. Don’t worry, some crazy new technology is about to take off. You won’t have to rely on snail mail and expensive long distance phone calls for very much longer. But you should probably sign up for an email account.
Be a good aunt. That niece of yours is going to grow up before you know it. And you’re going to have a nephew, too! Make it to as many of their birthday parties as humanly possible. And call your brother. He gets busy. He forgets. But you’re going to regret not being closer to him and Kim.
You are about to meet your birth mom! And, you have a little brother! He looks just like you, in nerd boy form. As for Cathy, well, that’s where you get your strength.
You’re about to go through some really tough stuff. But you’re a writer. When you put your stories on the page, something magic happens. Ultimately, Brandy, writing will save you. You’ll write little prayers begging for help for years about the same stubborn addictions and patterns. And it’ll seem like God is so far away, but God is closer than you think. And your prayers will be answered.
I wish I could tell you more, but I’m only 30. And honestly, I don’t know anything yet.
Love,
you
This blog chronicles my adventures in restoring Shalom. I share stories and discuss issues that are paving the way for the renovation.
If you're new here, welcome! Thank you for stopping by! I'm so glad you came to visit. Please, kick up your feet, grab a cup of coffee, and stay for as long as you'd like.
PS. Click on my picture above to read my story that I'm turning into a memoir.
