When you’re too tired to pray
Exhausted. Brooklyn had a febrile seizure last night. His temp spiked. Again. The first one happened over Thanksgiving. He’s doing better, thank God. Before we left the hospital, he was waving and eating Cheerios like a champ.But x-rays revealed a spot of pneumonia. What? He had bronchitis over Christmas and an upper-respiratory infection for Thanksgiving. Poor little dude.
The first time, I was terrified. To watch your child go through something like that, it’s heartbreaking. But today, I’m just angry. Mad at the germs and the seizures and 104.7°F temperatures. And, honestly, I’m mad at the timing. There was already so much going on this week work-wise, but I was feeling really optimistic and it was all falling into place. Now, I’m completely overwhelmed and I just want my baby to be okay.
I’m too tired to pray. I’m trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I have one of the biggest auditions in my life in 30 hours. Yesterday was so strange. I woke up to the news that our tax money had arrived. I double launched this blog and my very first eCourse. I finalized the final draft of my TED audition and shared it with Jermaine, and began to feel really confident about content and where it could go. And on my run, I ran into the most picturesque sunset I’d ever seen.
And then, chaos. The convulsions. The ambulance. That horrible contraption used to take baby x-rays. On one hand, I was much more calm: on my knees, on the floor, whispering my love and presence as my baby seized beside me. Clearing his airway as Jermaine checked his breaths and listened to the instructions of the 911 operator. On the other hand, the entire evening was more scary than the first time, because it wasn’t the first time. My son didn’t have a febrile seizure. He has febrile seizures. According to the doctors, it’s now something he does.
And I know it could be so much worse. But that doesn’t make it better. I wish I had a tidy way to tie this up. We’ll carry on and trust God and love and all that. But it doesn’t work sometimes. It’s just messy right now. The beauty that exists doesn’t stop the mess from breaking hearts.
Please pray, friends. And, if you need specifics, these are the prayers I need today:
For Brooklyn’s health and safety. And no more seizures! Please God, let this be the last one. But, if it’s not the last one, please give me the intuition to know what he needs. And the strength and gentleness and dedication to keep the records of his medicine times and hold him and nurse him as much as he needs me.
For safe travel tonight (the audition is in DC).
For concentration to rock this TEDx Talk audition Thursday morning. That it may change minds and lives and help us to realize that we really can make the world a better place. That God will guide me in the what and how I need to say and stand and be. And to help me find the last killer example that I need.
For this crazy, scary, exciting Lent eCourse adventure. That the people who need it will sign up. That it will bless them. And will create community and connection and draw us closer to God and each other.
That I may be present and kind to my family through all of this.
Last week, Steven Pressfield said all breakthroughs come with a fever. God I hope he meant that literally.
Oh baby. I needed this rawness right…now. I haven’t slept a wink in favor of anxiety and panic attacks. My husband just tucked me in on the couch so I won’t feel so trapped in my bedroom.
I’m too tired to pray. But…I believe God meets us in these messy places. As you are on your knees whispering your love to BK, it is a red phone direct line to God’s ear. For when we weep, God notices. I know this because His wisdom has led me to protect my children at precisely the right moments. It has saved Mika’s life twice….and removed Mattias from a school environment with a black hole for a heart.
You don’t need to ask God to be there with you, He already is. No other prayer required than the whispers in to Brooklyn’s ear.
He will walk in to that audition with you and fill up the room. What you have to say transcends The Church and strips religion back down to faith. Turns Pharisees back in to Faithfuls.
And when you are too tired to pray through the mess. I will pray, friend.
Snuggle your baby and polish that audition. You got this. And God has you.
xoxo
Ginger. So. Much. Love. xoxoxox Thank you for believing in me. I’m so incredibly glad to know you. Prayers for your anxiety. One of my best friends is going through the same thing. I hate it for you. But I believe God is in the mess, too.
Praying for you and your family. You will do wonderful tomorrow!
Thank you, love! I think I did just that.