The Bitch Seat
T ension in the body is unprocessed experience.” +Lyssa Mandel
WHOA WHOA WHOA.
That struck a chord.
What do I need to let go of?
I feel like I should probably be hand writing this out. I probably need to let go of the way that I’m supposed to do things. Fuck it. This is the way I’m doing it. It’s valid. What do I need to let go of? This tension. Omg. so much. Being exhausted. Not being able to sleep in. perfection. Inaction. Overaction. ********. I don’t even want to name him. He made me ashamed of being beautiful. Of being kind and friendly. I am afraid to be those things now. I need to forgive myself. But that implies that I did something wrong. I’m still not entirely sure I did. Being a failure. Feeling like a failure. I wanted to work there longer. I was good at it. I could have been made manager. That would have been a nightmare. Not getting the ted talk or the dozens and dozens of things i applied for this past year and didn’t get. I am going to track my rejections this year. I am tired of being rejected. I know it’s not personal but it feels personal. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like my work isn’t good enough. What am i doing with my life? I need to let go of that phrase. I don’t know how to categorize my creative accomplishments. It feels like I haven’t done anything. I haven’t started a podcast. I haven’t started a YouTube channel. I haven’t gotten any coaching clients. I haven’t finished my book. I haven’t finished either book. I haven’t lost the weight. I have gotten a good handle on our finances. Even though things seem a little shaky at the moment. I can rein it in, though. I have learned to go without. Even if sometimes I forget. I am proud of myself. I haven’t healed my sexual self. There’s a lot of shame there. I don’t even know where to begin. I hate that we’ve been dealing with this for 8.5 years. PTSD is a bitch.
Vix said I needed to put down the old stuff and not bring it with me into 2017. Baggage. I have a lot of baggage. I need to put down the stress of before, during and after Guatemala. Why is it so easy to forget the before stress? It was really a lot, but I had totally forgotten. Also the stress of preparing for PYM. Thank God for J. Did I make a mistake not working with him anymore? I am not sure. I’m really not sure.