brandyglows

This time last year I had just found out I was pregnant. I had a big decision to make. Should I still journey to India?

As I look back now, I realize that Brooklyn eclipsed India.

And that’s the way it goes. It’s always about the next big thing for me.

I can’t wait to get a job.

I can’t wait to go back to school.

I can’t wait to finish school.

I can’t wait to have a baby.

I can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore.

I can’t wait until he starts walking (maybe I can wait for that).

I can’t wait to become a real writer/speaker/counselor/pastor. 

And dark irony becomes glaringly obvious. ALL I DO IS WAIT. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up an old lady and discover I haven’t enjoyed a moment of my life.

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A good friend of mine just finished law school. Last summer she took the bar and passed. She has five interviews this week. She said she’s overwhelmed in a good way.

She said, ”I am having faith in the Master Plan and seeing where it takes me.”

Can I get an amen?

This new year has been a whirlwind and we’re only on day 10. After much deliberation and tears (on my part), we decided to put Sadie back into public school. My momma heart knows that it’s the best thing for both of us, but I miss teaching her.

The day she started back, Brooklyn and I contracted pink eye. A nasty cold followed both of us around for the rest of the week and we just limped into the weekend.

Over the past month I have had a reoccurring depressive episode. I melted down. Again. And left Jermaine to pick up the pieces. Again.

And yes, there is an element of new mom hormones, but that’s not the heart of the problem.

I’m obsessed with writing.

Maybe my naturally addictive personality is channeling itself into ambitious territories. Maybe words run deep in my veins, a gift from that side of my biological family I’ll probably never know. Maybe it’s just me, wired to write.

I don’t know why. All I know is that I need time to pursue this dream. And chubby babies, however wonderful they may be, aren’t known for freeing up mounds of time.

I want to enjoy these first precious months, but I can’t get my business plan out of my head. And so instead of relishing the milestones of new life, when I’m cuddling with my babe, I’m torn, mourning work undone and feeling guilty about my grief.

I spoke to a dear friend about it last month. She said to me, “Brandy, you are a writer. There’s no doubt about that. I can tell it’s part of your purpose. No one would think less of you if you put Sadie back in public school and found a daycare for Brooklyn.”

Those words lightened my soul. I needed them. I needed to hear that my ever-increasing desire to build a business with words didn’t make me a bad parent.

It hurt to put Sadie back in school. But she was thrilled. And ready.

As for daycare, Brooklyn is still very little and Jermaine couldn’t get excited about the idea. Next fall, I’ll hopefully be returning to seminary and we’ll look into childcare then. But for right now, I want to be at home with him during the day.

Thank God for the night. 

Jermaine and I worked out a compromise. I’ll keep on keeping on while he’s at work. In the evenings, I’ll go to work myself, with my netbook at a coffee shop. I’ll get a few concentrated hours of tearless, diaperless writing. From about 6-10pm, I’ll get to pour myself into the restoration of Shalom for the whole world – and really dive guilt-free into what that could look like for you and me.

It’s day two, and so far, sweet sailing. I spent both days fully present with Brooklyn Baby. When Sadie came home from school, I helped her with her homework. I cooked. I cleaned. When ideas popped into my head, I jotted them down, smiling knowing I could focus entirely that evening.

I enjoyed being with my family. And in this moment, I’m enjoying being with you. 

I don’t have to wait. I can just do. I can have faith in the Master Plan and see where it takes me. The sun and the moon can shine on both my family and my dreams. They don’t have to sparkle at the same time.